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The theatre is a small stage where three people are performing some sort of play. Although sound files can be found for the exchange between the "cop" and the "president"; there seems to be no way of triggering the scene, and the actors will only make various gestures with their arms indefinitely.

The stage is located by the Peräjärvi pier south of Teimo's shop; and features about a dozen pieces of furniture, the actors, and a house backdrop. None of the furniture can be picked up or moved around.


The dialogue between the characters can be found within the game files, and they total up to 4 minutes and 51 seconds of audio (2 minutes and 45 seconds for the police officer, and 2 minutes and 6 seconds for the president). An audio file in which one of the actors tells the player off for trying to ruin their play can also be found within the assets.

Subtitles can also be found for the actors' verbal exchange. They are as follows:

Cop President
"The President of the Republic of Finland." "I am president of Finland."
"I am police officer." "There is first lady."
"I am here to check drunk state of potato president." "So, this is the way I am a president all along."
"I know you are not coming from a jail." "From the president jail, to here to countryside."
"Not like Alcatraz, but presidential jail." "My drivers name is Cadet Tenho."
"I am police officer, after all." "Yes?"
"Stop!" "Of course not! I am a president."
"Mr. President." "He? I haven't even heard about it."
"You can't go here." "Escaped from zoo? I did not know that!"
"Because of my rights." "My personal assistant is mr. Wood-Field-Forest."
"I cannot deliver you." "Well after all, I am a president."
"In to jail." "See, a birch. Flowery rose."
"Because." "It is hard as a wet bedrock."
"Because you are... of Finland." "Well I am a president."
"Stop!" "The first lady is quite thin person."
"President." "When president was a carpenter, wife was still young. So does the profession make us old."
"The first lady." "Change is welcomed. I used to sit in jail all the time."
"It truly looks like." "I was not in Alcatraz, but in presidential jail."
"That...'" "So after all, I am a president."
"Looks like a bad shape to me." "Listen, officer. I am a president."
"Finnish president of Zanzibar of Africa." "I could fire you at any moment, officer."
"To the moment." "I am a president, after all."
"You are." "I am not drunk, and not in St Michel, I am here."
"Right here, right now." "I haven't had a single drink."
"At this time." "I am the president."
"About here." "I am first president of Finland who has his pants upside down."
"For this." "My watch shows the correct time of Finnish republic."
"I am a officer... ding dong."
"I guarantee your safety."
"That is not what I said."
"Well I am just a human, as you can see."
"I salute your wife, Mr. President."
"Shall you invite me to party of castle?"
"Party? I don't want to."
"But, I do not accept."
"You are drunk."